The Twelve Days of Christmas
by Katiedid Aussie
Summary: Rated R for language. Krum sends Hermione a few Christmas presents.


I ripped this off of .someone. You may have read it, as it makes the 'rounds at Christmastime. I just re-wrote it to include our favorite characters.  
  
~The Twelve Days of Christmas~  
  
********************  
  
December 14, 2000  
  
Dearest Viktor,  
When I saw the post today, three owls delivered a partridge in a pear tree! What a thoroughly delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised!  
With deepest love and affection,  
Your Mione (handwritten)  
  
********************  
  
December 15, 2000  
  
Viktor, you darling man!  
Today brought your very sweet gift - two turtle-doves! I'm delighted at your thoughtfulness. They are just adorable. The partridge likes them, too.  
All my love,  
Mione (handwritten)  
  
********************  
  
December 16, 2000  
  
Dearest Viktor,  
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one! I really must protest though, Viktor. I don't deserve such generosity - three French Hens! They are just darling, but I must insist, you've been TOO kind.  
Love,  
Mione (handwritten)  
  
********************  
  
December 17, 2000  
  
Dear Viktor:  
Four calling birds just flew in my window. Now really, they are beautiful and all, but don't you think enough is enough?? You're being too romantic. Besides, the partridge, the turtle-doves, and the French hens have eaten all the pears. You dear, silly boy, you!  
Hastily,  
Mione (handwritten)  
  
*******************  
  
December 18, 2000  
  
Darling!  
What a surprise! Today, five golden rings! One for each finger. You're just impossible (ha ha) but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.  
All my love,  
Mione (handwritten)  
  
*******************  
  
December 19, 2000  
  
Dear Viktor:  
When I opened the door this morning there were actually six geese-a- laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? These geese are huge! Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are already complaining, Ron, Harry and Ginny (who are all staying over for the holidays) are sniggering, and I hate to think what will happen when those goose eggs hatch. My parents, Ron, Ginny, Harry and I can't sleep through all the racket now. Please stop, Viktor.  
Cordially,  
Hermione Granger (handwritten)  
  
*******************  
  
December 20, 2000  
  
Viktor:  
What's with you and these fucking birds?? And don't you fucking dare tell me that Ron is rubbing off on me again. Seven Goddamned swans a- swimming! What the hell kind of joke is this, you sick bastard? The whole house is full of feathers and broken goose eggs, and this zoo is so noisy I couldn't sleep even if my bed WASN'T full of bird shit. My parents have jumped ship for my aunt's house. It's not funny, so if you've got any more birds up your sleeve, SHOVE THEM UP YOUR ASS!!!  
I mean it!  
H.G. (handwritten)  
  
*******************  
  
December 21, 2000  
  
OK, BUSTER!  
I think I prefer the birds. What in God's name am I going to do with those eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds a- shitting, but the eight maids had to bring their eight Goddamned cows! Have you ever seen a cow piss? Between the bird shit inside and the cow piss outside, I'm trapped and can hardly breathe!  
Lay off me, smartass!  
Hermione G. (handwritten)  
  
*******************  
  
December 22, 2000  
  
You Shit-head!  
What are you, some kind of sadist? Now there are nine pipers playing! And Christ, do they play!! They've never stopped chasing the milkmaids since they got here yesterday morning. Some of them even chased the cows, so the cows got panicky and stepped all over the screeching birds. There are feathers and mild flying all over the place and the cow piss has killed the pear tree. The neighbors have entered a petition to evict me!  
You'll get yours!  
H. Granger (typed)  
  
*******************  
  
December 23, 2000  
  
You rotten prick!  
Ten ladies dancing, huh? How dare you call these sluts ladies. They've been balling the pipers all night long, and have been trying to get Harry and Ron, too! The milkmaids are furious. The cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit! Even the fucking birds are gasping. The Ministry of Health has subpoenaed me to show why the whole damn building shouldn't be condemned. If I ever catch you around here again, I'm going to kick your balls up into your ribcage or knock them there with the trunk of that pear tree.or a bludger's bat, take your pick.  
  
One who means it!!!  
  
*******************  
  
December 24, 2000  
  
You sick Fuckhead!  
The aurors are coming for you! As soon as they finish rounding up those eleven lords a-leaping. All day and all night they've been leaping on the maids, on the ladies, on Ginny, me, and Harry and Ron too! Some of those broads will never walk again. The pipers ran through all the maids, then the ladies, and are now committing sodomy with the cows. One piper even caught a lord in mid-leap. All twenty-three of the birds are dead: trampled in the orgy. Ron, Harry, Ginny and I are sleeping outside in a tree, where it's safe. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine.  
Your sworn enemy,  
You know damn well who  
  
*******************  
  
WEASLEY, WEASLEY, WEASLEY and POTTER  
Purveyors to Magical Mischief Makers, II.  
43 Diagon Alley  
London  
December 28, 2000 Mr. Viktor R. Krum Bulgaria  
  
Dear Sir:  
  
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve (12) drummers drumming which you saw fit to inflict upon our client, Ms. Hermione Granger.  
  
Any further correspondence with Ms. Granger should be addressed to our care, inasmuch as the destruction of her residence at 69 Gash Road in London, was of course, total.  
  
Please do not attempt to make personal contact with our client, as Ms. Granger has given explicit instructions to us, her future brothers-in-law and husband, to clobber you over the head with any large stone, piece of rock, bludger's bat, or any other instrument we deem worthy. Fatally. Curses have also been deemed acceptable.  
  
Naturally, a suit is being prepared against you, entered jointly by Ms. Granger, the Owl Post authorities, the Ministry of Health, the Ministry of Agriculture, the Federal Immigration Office, the Humane Society, and the Apparition Brueau, not to mention the Ministry of Magic. The Department of Mental Health is instituting a separate action with a different objective in mind.  
Very truly yours,  
  
Messrs. Frederick, George, & Ronald Weasley  
Harold Potter 


End file.
